I’m finding it hard to express myself. I want my sadness back please.
I used to write every day about my depression, but lately, I have found it very hard to do. Two weeks ago, my medication increased. My antidepressants are stronger now, but my brain isn’t working, at least, it doesn’t feel that it’s working because I feel emotionless and empty.
I’ve found that in the last few weeks, my mood has been stable, and my mind has been blank. Even now, as I write, I’m finding it hard to express how ‘blankness’ feels. But one thing I know for sure is that I’m still depressed. I never expected my medication to cure me because I know that it doesn’t work that way, but I did hope, just a little, that they would help my mood while I figure things out.
Is feeling blank inside better than feeling sad?
I am finding that the last week and a half was harder to endure at times because I was constantly spaced out and felt nothing (and I still feel the same now). My mind felt like a blank sheet of paper. At least when I’m sad, and I’m in a depressive episode, it never lasts for longer than a day. I always get a break in-between that’s full of happy emotions for a while. That makes the depressive episodes of sadness easier because I know that I won’t feel that way forever. But this blankness? This blank sheet of paper? I don’t know how long this will last.
Before my medication increased, I wrote every day. Either I was working on my shitty novel, studying for university, or writing on Medium. But the last week or so, I’ve done almost nothing. It’s not that I’ve lost interest, because I love writing and reading, but when I look at the screen and keyboard, nothing happens. My mind is blank. I took a small break for a few days, and now I’m back, but I still feel like a blank sheet of paper.
Someone scribble on me please. I’ll take what I can get. Give me something so I can feel things again.
For some, they would rather not talk about their depression because they would prefer to keep it to themselves, but for me, talking about it is what I do. I find it hard to keep it to myself. I have people continually messaging me over Instagram about their mental health because they’re looking for a safe place to talk about it. How can I listen and console others when I can’t even seem to express myself lately? Not being able to find words to talk about my mental health frustrates me, because I need to talk about it, but instead, my medication increase has turned me into mush.
Feeling emotionless in the last few weeks makes me feel like a phony because I can’t express myself anymore. It also makes me feel like I’m at a stand-still, and I’ll never get out of it.
When will this end?
Right now, it would be nice. I would rather have emotions — happy or sad than be stuck in a loop of emotionless blah. At least with sadness, I can express myself and make things better. With this emotionless blankness, I don’t know what to do. I could spend hours staring at the wall if I tried.
I want my emotions back please.
Even sadness will do. I’m no fussy, I just want to feel again. Anything is better than nothing at all. I don’t think I could live in a world where everyone was like me. I’d soon go crazy from lack of anything. At least with my depression, I’m able to feel something. Right now, at this stage in my depression journey, I’m able to appreciate feeling extremely happy and extremely sad.