Dear Parliament and the Royal Family,
I know you’re dealing with Brexit, so you have a lot on your plate. I get it. But you have another big issue on your hands. The gays have access to your universal healthcare, but I now realize that universal doesn’t mean comprehensive. Why? You lack the providers who can support the community-specific ailments that affect the LGBTQ+ community. London is not only falling, but failing. And to make matters worse, it doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. Luckily, though, it’s not too late. So listen up!
The old, conservative Englishman wearing a stained lab coat couldn’t give two fucks about you and your asshole. And more so, doesn’t even have the capacity to understand how to obtain an appropriate sexual history. As a result, men are flying over to see me in New York — week in and week out — to take care of straightforward issues that have straightforward solutions.
Take for instance this past week — a poor 26 year-old lad who hasn’t been able to be fucked by his partner for four years, all because of the mistreatment of an anal tear, otherwise known as a fissure. When this cut develops chronic scar, no matter what salve you attempt to place, its success rate is minimal. To all the docs out there freely administering Botox to the anal sphincters, that procedure alone fucks everything up. The muscle — for the most part — is not what caused the original tear. Our asses can take pretty big cocks if we understand how to relax our entire pelvic floor musculature (and with proper preparation, of course).
How is it that just Botox on its own is going to solve the issue? Let me tell you a little secret — it’s not! Especially when the tear stems from the external skin splitting open from the pressures of sex. The scar with a small skin tag or flap (called a fistula) that formed in the region is a result of that initial tear. So what are the proper steps to fix this issue? First, clean up the area, you blokes, then rid the scar and any extra tissue. Make it healthy and then, yes, administer Botox at that time to decrease the pressures to allow appropriate healing. I just gave you all my secret sauce. 🤷🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️
I can understand when the fissure first happens to recommend using over the counter and prescription medications with Epsom salt baths hoping that it will heal. But this passive approach isn’t helping anyone. I mean, if within 4–6 weeks, you are not shitting pain-free and resuming your normal sexual take-it-up-the-ass activities, then you need the next step. And as stated above, that is not just Botox. Tell your doctor that you engage in anal penetration. Tell them you are a part of the gay community and without dick in your ass, life fucking sucks. Make sure they hear your complaints about the system and how it has failed you. And then give them my card to call me for advice on how to make an impacting and long-lasting effect on human beings and their behinds. Oh, and snap a pic of them as you attempt to educate them — I’d love to see their reactions (kidding, of course).
Don’t get me wrong — I love seeing clients and all the referrals from all over the world. I’m not complaining. But I find it such a travesty when countries don’t have professionals to help their own citizens. Not everyone has the ability to fly to the US to receive this kind of specialized care. Medical professionals should be able to identify a problem and then learn to not only analyze the cause, but also find the appropriate solutions. It’s as simple as emailing me or another physician who specializes in the issue at ass.
It’s such a shame and I write to you, dear Parliament, to encourage you to change your ways. Listen up. It’s time for all of us to empower each other to take ownership of our faults and to change them. What I do can be learned by anyone. Let me teach you because god knows I need help in the world. There is too much ass and not enough people to fix them all.
Prince Harry and William, hear my plea, and let’s gather in Buckingham palace to chat about proper and improper anal sex. How about it, ey?