I fear being in great shape, and I always stop short.
Bad things happen to beautiful women.
This is something I have always believed.
My mom was a model. When I played with Barbies as a kid, I made up scenarios where people wanted them because they were beautiful, and then got rid of them if they changed — If they gained weight, if they weren’t as athletic, if they got into an accident.
Beautiful women are attacked. Beautiful women are used. Beautiful women are taken for granted. And once they’re not beautiful, they are gotten rid of.
I have always held back when it came to fitness.
I have always been drawn to dance and swimming. I used to play basketball.
But I always held back.
No, I never gave it my all.
Because my little tummy protects me.
If I lost weight, I would be more conventionally attractive.
And then, I would be a target.
Yes, I feel safer at a larger size.
And that has worked fine for me.
But I want to do more.
I want to jump higher. I want to have a stronger core so I can lift my legs higher. I want to dance longer. I want to do more complicated yoga poses.
And I’m afraid that this will mean I will lose weight.
I have been ignoring the issue of weight.
Because it does not mean health to me.
I associate being thin with a time in my life when I was taken for granted. Abused. Used. I associate being thin with starving myself, with my hair falling out, with disordered eating.
With my mom’s beauty…she was the model I would never be.
So I do not usually weigh myself, and I do not think there’s a happier, healthier person inside of me, under the weight.
I think my relationship with my weight is healthier now. I no longer see thinness as a sign of accomplishment. Of happiness. Of worthiness.
But I am using weight in another unhealthy way.
I am holding myself back because I am afraid that the thin version of me will not be able to defend herself.
The thin version of me will be a target.
And so, I use my weight as a shield. To keep away the bad men. Those who would use and discard me.
I have to remember a few things…
Two, even if I do lose weight, I am a different person now than I was then.
Back then, I was not necessarily singled out because I was thinner. I was singled out because I was naive. Because I had been through a difficult time, and I was not trusting my judgment and intuition. I was singled out because of all those reasons. Not because of my weight.
I was also abused when I was heavier.
During this time, I lost and gained weight. And it didn’t matter. This person did not magically become kind.
I am stronger now. And I deserve to dance in my own body…fearlessly.
I want to be able to spin.
Faster and faster.
I want to be able to lift my leg high into the air.
I want to be able to do arm balances.
I want stronger arms and a stronger stomach.
None of this has to do with weight, how people look at me, or how I look at myself.
These are just things I want to do for myself.
If I lose weight or not…is irrelevant.
I want to push myself.