I’m trying to figure it out, but I need help.
For better or worse, I am stuck with myself for the rest of my life.
I’m almost 37 years old now, and I think it’s time for me to really get my shit together and create a better life for myself, but it’s really hard to do things like take care of myself and my child when I don’t really…care about myself.
I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for over ten years now, and after countless drugs and therapists that I have tried, I am still not anywhere close to being “cured” if that is even a thing that can happen.
I am actually starting to think I have treatment-resistant depression based on all the failures I’ve had with drugs trying to make me feel better, but I haven’t crossed that bridge with my psychiatrist yet and I’m almost afraid to go there.
I’m afraid to hear how much more bad it can get.
Besides the weekly therapy and monthly psychiatrist appointments that I go to diligently, hoping they will make me better, I know I could be doing more for myself, but somehow I just can’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t get out of the house much.
I spend most of my day in front of the television with the laptop on my lap, trying to bang out articles and poems and words on my novel with the “background noise” that often turns into a distraction.
I could turn the TV off, but it’s some sort of comfort to me.
The voices on the TV replacing the voices of friends I don’t have anymore because either I lost them or they’ve left this part of the country.
It’s really sad, so I’m trying to tell myself that it isn’t true, but it might be.
I am always tired, and yet I sleep too much.
I get about ten to twelve hours of sleep each night and still find myself napping or at least wanting to lay down and close my eyes during the day — that is depression manifesting itself in my body, I am sure… but I’m not sure how to get out of it.
My body is falling apart. I have osteoarthritis in both of my knees and my morbid obesity isn’t doing me any favors.
I know I should lose weight, start dieting and start exercising, but I think, what’s the point?
I think no one will ever love me no matter how my body looks.
It’s a terrible thing because I know that mindfulness and self-care are exactly what I should be practicing to help get out of a depression and to get my life back on track.
I need to start counting my blessings, literally. I need to write down the things in my life that I am grateful for and notice and appreciate them more.
I need to get my sleep schedule back on track and remember how to get by with eight hours and no naps instead of literally sleeping half of my life away.
I need to start counting calories and stop having dessert.
But something inside of me is telling me that it doesn’t matter whether I do any of these things or not because nothing will help me.
Depression, that lying bitch, is coming to get me again.
She’s been coming after me for years, and I’m still fighting her off, but lately, feel like I’ve been on the losing end of the fight.
I try to keep writing through it, and writing, I feel like, is the only thing that lifts me temporarily out of my funk.
When I am writing I feel like I am doing something that matters, that I am accomplishing something that will not only help me through the bad days but might help someone else out there, too.
Can I really be the only answer to the question of my life?
It can’t be just up to me to overcome depression and live, can it?
I think we are all in this together, actually. All of us who are suffering with mental illnesses, we are all in one way or another in the same boat.
We are all fighting to find reasons to go on every day, even when it feels so hard and hopeless.
We’re all grasping onto those beautiful sunsets and kisses from our babies and those fleeting good days that come every once in a while.
So now I’ve come full circle to this chicken and egg question — do I have to care about myself more to begin practicing good self-care, or do I need to do better caring for myself to feel better?
Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
What do you think? I really want to know.