Yoga teachers can’t read minds, right?
Yoga is an ancient sacred practice that will grant your body and soul countless benefits. I can personally testify that a yoga class is also the perfect occasion to mentally review what’s in your fridge and to finally give your mind time to focus on all those important Game of Thrones theories. Some might think I’m doing yoga wrong, but the teacher said there is no wrong way to do yoga so there you go. Just to let you in on this wholesome journey, here are examples of the many spiritual breakthroughs I have had during yoga class.
- When is the last time they washed this mat? Am I putting my face where the previous person put their sweaty smelly feet? Should I call off this line of thought if I want to feel even slightly relaxed?
- These are nice leggings, where are they from? Oh these are nice too! How many people can I ask where they bought their leggings before they think I’m a leggings-obsessed weirdo and ban me from the class?
- Wow this pose is easy, look at me I’m so flexible hahaha!…Oh, wrong leg, right, ouch, ow, okay…Ugh, whatever.
- Let’s get down to business, to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons?…Wait how did that get in my head? Oh, warrior pose, right.
- Was this always intended as a yoga class music track or is it actually a Sanskrit acoustic cover of a Black Eyed Peas song?
- I should have taken my socks off before getting in downwards dog, this is NOT stable someone help me I’m sliding heeeeelp
- What should I have for dinner? Should I go grocery shopping on my way back? Nah, I’m already doing something productive with my evening, wouldn’t want to overdo myself and get a burn out.
- Pasta then? Yeah, pasta.
- Wow that is a MASSIVE lotus flower tattoo, that girl must REALLY be into yoga.
- …Or maybe she just really likes flowers? So mysterious.
- If she wanted something that leaves no room for doubt, here’s what I would suggest:
- So who decides what animal gets the ultimate consecration of having a yoga pose named after them anyway? It goes against all common sense that this pose isn’t called the flamingo, if you ask me.
- DRAGON POSE BITCHES, FIRE AND BLOOD!
- Wait so mythical animals get poses but real ones like squirrels and llamas don’t? That doesn’t seem fair. Are squirrels not deserving enough? Can I sign a petition for that?
- I wish I had arrived earlier and copped a spot that is not by the door, this draft is really messing with my chakras.
- I definitely know what chakras are. I think. Sort of.
- In the overall wellness feeling I get from yoga, what proportion is from the actual practice and what proportion is just from the knowledge that my butt looks great in yoga pants?
- “Shataranga!” would be such a good magic spell. Or Doctor Who villain. Or Star Trek planet. “But Captain, Shataranga III has been abandoned for centuries, how do we know this distress signal is legit? We don’t, Lieutenant, but danger is FUN!”
- Now “pigeon pose” would NOT make a good magic spell. Although Pigeon Posse could be a gangster comedy I guess?
- I got this! Why do I feel light-headed though? Oh, breathing, right, I keep forgetting to do that.
- This was a successfully silent fart and I feel weirdly proud about it.
- I wish there were fewer shavasanas a.k.a. lying there with my eyes closed because I already do it every night for free and paying to do it on a mat of questionable cleanliness makes me reconsider my life choices.
- I know I’m not supposed to do anything that hurts, but if I don’t touch my feet this yoga teacher that I’ve never met before and will never meet again will think I’m not trying hard enough and be disappointed in me. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN!
- But also, “Bend further for the last minute of the pose”? Oh you think I can bend further than this? Haha, that’s cute.
- I should probably finish this work thing when…wait this is yoga I will NOT think about work! Nice try, brain, but I’m meditating, duh.
Well I feel spiritual as f*ck now, yoga really is good for you.