Medical Science Has Failed to Heal My Condition – The Startup – Medium

So I guess I should head over to Whole Foods as soon as possible.

But first, a bit about me. I have a digestive system issue that nobody seems to be able to identify, much less cure. I’ve had cameras stuck up my butt, down my throat, and I even swallowed a little capsule-sized camera to get the entire all expenses paid journey through my stomach, duodenum, colon and out the other side into the porcelain swimming pool. Splash.

It’s all added up to this — my digestive system still does not work properly.

Since I work in the medical profession as an orthotist, naturally I hang around a lot of doctors — I’m dating one, in fact. Doctors really look down their noses at this “alternative” stuff, so I’ve resisted the temptation to resort to “alternative medicine” for a long time. Hey, I gave Western medicine a good five years to have its way with me. But sorry doctors, I’m tired of being raped by your radiation machines and co-pays.

Here’s the way I’ve got my journey to the “alternative” side mapped out:

I’m going to start with homeopathy. That seems like the obvious shooting-off point. It’s these tiny little doses of quackery, so how much harm can it do anyhow? Worth a shot. A very small one. In a cute tiny little vial. But if a little smidge of wolfsbane extract doesn’t fix me up in no time, never mind, there are a lot of stops on this bus.

Osteopathy. I think they hold lead magnets over our body and in very rare cases say a few magic spells and apparently it works like a charm. I dunno. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Harry Potter to tell the truth. The whole magnet thing just makes it seem so pagan, but I’m willing to try it. But failing that…

Reiki. I love the idea of a reiki practitioner healing me without touching me. I don’t actually like being touched, do you? This is perfect. The guy will hold his hands like an inch away from my belly and the energy will…oh who am I kidding, the energy will do absolutely nothing at all. Forget it. Moving on to…

Acupuncture. I put this way down the list because…alright, I’m a big baby. I always cried getting my vaccination shots. I cried the whole time I got my tattoo — 8 hours, the guy hated me. The acupuncturist will probably throw me out. So…

Herbal medicine. I heard some herbal doctor in the Netherlands killed about thirty people because he got the Chinese words mixed up. Apparently, the words for “cure” and “kill” are very similar in that language. So I’ve definitely held off on trying this, but I’m willing to drink a really weird tasting tea if that’s what it takes.

Finally…remote healing. This sounds the best of the bunch. While the Reiki doctor is inches from my flesh, the remote healer might not even be in the same city as me. How awesome! I want some guy in Antelope Valley to visualize my intestines working properly. I mean, I want him to really visualize it. All of it. I want him to remotely see me going to the toilet and…

Oh God…I feel better already. I think it worked! I love you Antelope Valley dude, and I’m really sorry you had to see that — even remotely.

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Thanks !

Thanks for sharing this, you are awesome !

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