Mental health is something I am wary of every day. I live inside my head, my ability to express emotions through talking limited by my general dislike of feeling emotionally vulnerable. And that’s okay.
I am very thankful that I have writing as a way to get my thoughts out. Maybe they’re not always the most cohesive thoughts, but that’s okay.
Because of my training there are some days I feel physically low, tired, worn out, generally just a bit broken. I eat well to make sure I get my nutrients in, I sleep as much as possible, and I take a rest day to recover. And that’s okay.
If it’s a scheduled rest day I feel great, I lap it up, I treat it as a real part of my training plan. I embrace the rest and come back the next day ready to go.
If it’s unscheduled I feel awful, I chastise myself for missing workouts, I have a constant feedback loop in my head:
“I feel awful today I need to rest… there were two workouts in the plan though, what if I only do one… I skipped the morning workout I should do the evening one… oh well the run is for an hour maybe I should just do 30 minutes instead…”
The loop plays for hours over the day until I either, stupidly, crumble and do one or part of the workout, or I ride it out before crashing into the best sleep I’ve had in days.
There’s guilt, there’s annoyance, there’s a feeling of weakness, wondering how much the competition are doing when I’m resting.
Today was one of those days. And that’s okay. Tomorrow I’ll be ready to go.