As 2018 ends, a list of things I no longer care about.

As 2018 ends, a list of things I no longer care about.

Feel free to add yours.

  • Anyone’s band.
  • Most bands, really. Make good work or get out of my head. I am not beholden to you.
  • Concerts in general. So much money, no guarantee of quality. How is this not a scheme?
  • Fake experts. I literally have a show debunking these. I don’t believe in experts automatically anymore. Show me the facts. Prove yourself.
  • Offers talking about “five-figure months.” Sure, it’s possible. But how much are you banking on the fact that I’ll pay you to find out? Shady.
  • Your exercise routine. We should all work out. Hopefully we’re all working out. But why do we have to know how and why we’re all (ostensibly) getting fit? Why is it anyone’s business?
  • Simple cocktails that cost a lot of money. Fuck. You.
  • Bars for alcohol’s sake. “We have booze!” So the fuck what. Have a unique offering, there are a million of you.
  • Fantasy sports leagues. Good for you, have fun! I don’t care.
  • Gossip. Are you in admiration of someone? Are you looking to learn from them? Are you genuinely concerned for their well-being? If the answer to any of these
  • People who make one issue their entire political identity. You don’t have to pretend—we already know you don’t have a personality.
  • How much you hate the President. We all do. Seriously, we all do. You’re not special. Give money to who you want to win, vote, volunteer your time, and don’t shake his hand when you win the Medal of Freedom.
  • That one time you took the higher ground. Great. Good for you. The fact that you’re talking about it is weakening your case that you’re over it. Just stick the monster’s head on a spike, take a cleansing bath, and be done with it.
  • T-shirt sizes. There is no law. Just try it on.
  • People who care about cursing. Everyone fucking curses.
  • Natural sodas. Yes, natural ingredients make it taste less like ass. But it’s still soda. You’re not drinking nectar and ambrosia.
  • Coconut water. It tastes like jizz. Let’s not kid ourselves.
  • Premium baby items. This is a scam. It is.
  • Tiny houses. Look, some are really cute. They’re probably fun to stay in temporarily. But come on–are we really going to believe that these aren’t gentrified trailer homes? If you’re downsizing, downsize. Be real about what you’re doing and why. I’d seriously respect someone so much if they said, “Yeah, I’m moving into a tiny house so I can downsize but still feel like I’m living somewhere cute.”
  • Harry Potter themed places. Jesus Christ, we are adults. I was shaped by The Lord of the Rings and Marble Hornets, but you don’t see me hoping for a Slender Man theme park or a Mordor-themed coffee shop (though the latter would be a little rad). I have stealth fandom stuff and talk about them at length when asked. But fixating on one fandom reeks of stagnation. Has no other art affected you? I’m sorry.
  • The fact that you created a course. That doesn’t make you special anymore, sorry. I’m more interested in if it’s good/useful.
  • How many hours you worked today. Did you make something meaningful? That’s more important.
  • Graduate school. That’s no guarantee of money or success, or even happiness. I like you, friend who’s applying. But I’m not about to gag on the lie that school is a guaranteer of success.
  • Sports teams. I’ll root for the Anaheim Angels because I ran around the stadium as a young kid and dove for fly balls. It was fun as shit. But I feel super uncomfortable putting my happiness onto the athletic performance of others.
  • Kneeling/standing/whatever at halftime. It’s a protest. Okay, let’s talk about the issues they’re protesting. This isn’t the end of civilization as we know it.
  • Iceland. It’s time for a new trendy country, people. Let’s give our money to people that could actually use the tourism. And who probably aren’t sick of all our hipster photos.
  • Your “new business venture.” Nope. Nope nope nope, you are not going to hook me into your scheme. In fact, you’re now on my list of People To Rescue.
  • Whether you live in the city vs. the suburbs. Cut the shit. It’s more important for you to be financially solvent and not let wherever you live turn you into a stereotype.
  • New Year’s resolutions. Just have goals. They don’t expire.

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